Heard Any Good Jokes Lately??

[TimG]

I just got this today and I found it somewhat amusing. I doubt some of these were said by the people listed, but they are still funny . . . unless you are french.

Bon Jour
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam
out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of
France!"
-- Jay Leno

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these
drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by
prostitutes."
--Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one
behind me."
-- General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion."
-- Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
-- Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
-- Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
-- Rush Limbaugh,

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is
sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
-- Regis Philbin

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he
hates America, he loves mistresses, and wears a beret. He is French, people."
-- Conan O'Brien

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into
Paris under a German flag."
-- David Letterman

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the
bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

[BumbleV-X]

This was emailed to me. I was laughing so much I just had to pass this on to my friends. Thanks go to Chris Rock for the war time chuckle.

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.'
Need I say more?"

- Chris Rock

[Dallas4u]

Both those posts are hilarious! Gotta love Chris Rock and Conan O'Brien!

[TimG]

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to
open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a
glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in
front of him, all clean and pressed.

Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order,
spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and
notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left
early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast
and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry
asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black
eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm
married'!"

[BumbleV-X]

19 things to do in the bathroom stall

1. Hold your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Dang, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa ! Easy boy !!"

11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your "Cross-Dressors Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

[Leah]

Have you seen this one yet?

15 Things to Do at Wal-Mart While Your Spouse is Taking His/Her Sweet Time.

1. Pick up condom packages and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares"....and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a "CAUTION-WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME, PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream 'NO!! It's those voices again!"

And last but not least,

15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loud "We're out of toilet paper in here!!!"

[SPAZZ]

haha, lmao!!! number 14 was too funny, I couldn't stop laughing. Thank you for that humor.

[BumbleV-X]

I think #1 would be soooo funny. Can't you just see the man trying to explain to his wife... "wasn't me"?
I read this outloud to my son who will probably be in the middle of the next clothes round saying "pick me, pick me".
That was funny.... thanks

[Leah]

You're welcome. Wish I could take credit for more than just posting it.