Heard Any Good Jokes Lately??
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He constantly said polite words, played soft music, anything he could think of to set a good example... Nothing worked. He tried yelling at the bird; the bird yelled back. He shook the bird; it just got angry and even more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream --then, suddenly, there was quiet. Not sound for half a minute. David was frightened he might have hurt the bird. He quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry, and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's new attitude! He was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change, when the parrot continued, "Might I ask what the chicken did?"
:laughb:
Search Your Driver's License
amazing how this works, put in your name and give it a test!
http://www.license.shorturl.com
;eeko;
world's funniest joke??????
LONDON (Reuters)
- After a year of painstaking scientific research, the
world's funniest joke was revealed on Thursday.
In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humor, the British
Association for the Advancement of Science ( news - web sites) asked Internet
users around the world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness of
other people's offerings.
More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and two million critiques later, this is it:
"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't
seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone
and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in
a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's
dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
Researchers found significant differences between nations in the types of jokes
they found funny.
People from the UK, the Republic of Ireland, Australia and New Zealand
preferred gags involving word play, such as:
PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."
Americans and Canadians favored jokes where people were made to look
stupid.
TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our
sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"
Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of
serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage:
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner
with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'
"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"
Marriage-mocking also featured in the top American joke:
"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip
onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the
course.
"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in
prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I
have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'
"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'"
Death earned big laughs in Scotland:
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror
like his passengers."
And animals figured prominently. Take the number one joke in England:
"Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He
screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
"The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
"The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'
"The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'"
The survey revealed other fun facts:
-- Of the countries rating the highest number of jokes, Germans, perhaps
surprisingly, laughed the most. Canadians laughed least.
-- If you want to tell a funny animal joke, make it a duck.
-- The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: "What's brown and
sticky? A stick."
Researchers said no one ever found it funny.
just got this in my email lol
19 things to do in the bathroom stall
1. Hold your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Dang, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa ! Easy boy !!"
11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your "Cross-Dressors Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
haha, lmao!!! number 14 was too funny, I couldn't stop laughing. Thank you for that humor.
OMGoodness Leah that was funny
I think #1 would be soooo funny. Can't you just see the man trying to explain to his wife... "wasn't me"?
I read this outloud to my son who will probably be in the middle of the next clothes round saying "pick me, pick me".
That was funny.... thanks :)
