View Full Version : 72 Things a Man Should Know About Drinking

10/18/2007, 05:50 AM
I thought this list was pretty good!

Things a Man Should Know About Drinking by the Esquire Staff

1. There is no such thing as a chocolate martini.

2. There is no shame in club soda and cranberry juice.

3. There is a reason for the scarcity of piano bars.

4. Visiting the pub will be cheaper in the long run if you tip the bartender regularly and more generously than is necessary.

5. Never order a frozen drink in a place that serves pickled eggs.

6. Actually, never order a frozen drink.

7. It's also not a bad idea to eschew the pickled pigs' feet, although their presence is fairly strong evidence that you've accidentally stumbled upon a real tavern.

8. For the sake of the children, leave the pistol at home.

9. Champagne is a place. Bordeaux is a place. Champale is not a place.

10. Grappa is to lighter fluid as ouzo is to lighter fluid.

11. Garnish matters.

12. Despite a high ratio of female clientele, an insouciant way with fried mozzarella, and their prevalence in resort towns, establishments where a waitress pours shots into your mouth from a bottle she holsters in a bandolier are fraught with peril.

13. When throwing a party, break the seals on all liquor bottles, lest guests should hesitate to open them and come to doubt your hospitality.

14. Better yet: Hire a bartender.

15. The perfect manhattan: two parts bourbon, one part sweet vermouth, bitters, and a splash of cherry juice. Over rocks or not.

16. At the holiday office party, consume one drink less than your boss.

17. Adopt a new favorite cocktail on a seasonal basis.

18. That sangria means "bloodletting" is more a cautionary note than a simple fact.

19. Dry martinis, being nothing but gin, aren't all they're cracked up to be.

20. If you still want a martini, know that you cannot actually bruise gin, so go ahead and shake.

21. On the other hand, shaking introduces air bubbles that make the martini look cloudy for a time, so stir, already, if you're so particular.

22. Drinks that give you bad breath: beer, anything sweet, anything with milk.

23. Drinks that give you good breath: gin and tonic, gimlet, vodka and cranberry, anything with citrus.

24. Instead of ordering that shot of After Shock to cap off the evening, one could just walk calmly into the street, lie down, and wait.

25. Alternatively, you could pinch the bouncer's ***.

26. Every man should know how to make at least one drink from a foreign country, preferably one taught to him by a local female with whom he has had a complicated, unresolved, and quite possibly dangerous dalliance.

27. The perfect negroni: four parts gin, one part sweet vermouth, and one part Campad shaken with ice and strained. Orange peel.

28. Citrus cocktails benefit greatly from rubbing lemon peel around the rim of the glass.

29. Jack Daniel's. Rocks.

30. Fresh orange juice. Fresh lemon juice. Fresh lime juice.

31. The perfect margarita: one part fresh lime juice, one part Cointreau, and one and a half parts tequila over ice.

32. On those chrome, hourglass-shaped bar measuring cups, the big side is the jigger. The little side is the pony. Never use the pony.

33. If you must: single-malt Scotch in a brandy snifter with a splash of water.

34. Avoid bars that use plastic cups, bars whose bathrooms consist solely of a trough-style urinal, bars with chicken wire protecting the band, bars where Patrick Swayze is the bouncer.

35. There is rarely any genuine need to shout "Skal!" "Na zdorovye!" "Slainte!" "Bottoms up!" or "Down the hatch!"

36. No one but the bouncer cares how tough you are, and he already knows you're not that tough.

37. A thought for the holidays: Gift wine should not be recognizable as having come from a grocery store.

38. Gift wine, being a gift, is not for tonight's party. Unless the host opens it.

39. Decent wine costs 15 dollars. Good wine costs 35 dollars. Nobody can tell the difference.

40. Never drink in a place that calls itself an eatery.

41. The cosmopolitan is over.

42. Rye isn't as popular as it used to be.

43. The perfect highball: one part rye to three parts ginger ale over Ice.

44. There is no upside to karaoke.

45. There is an ever-so-slight upside to a wet-T-Shirt contest, as long as you're not in it.

46. It is not necessary to request premium liquor for a mixed drink in which you cannot taste it, such as a gimlet or sour.

47. On the other hand, ascertain exactly how nonpremium the "well" liquor is before you opt against the good stuff.

48. Sitting at the bar works only for two people. Three or more requires a table.

49. Always check your fly before leaving the john.

50. If you were sitting in the john, make sure your wallet did not fall onto the floor.

51. Try to take care of the sitting thing at home.

52. Never utter the words I and love and you if you've had more than three drinks.

53. If you're a lightweight, make that one drink.

54. The perfect Shirley Temple: ginger ale over ice to fill a wineglass, splash grenadine, orange slice, lemon twist, cherry.

55. If a bartender makes you flail your arms or beg for service, well, obviously, leave.

56. Don't call the bartender Barkeep, Chief, Buddy, or Ace, unless his actual name, in fact, is Barkeep, Chief, Buddy, or Ace.

57. Even if you have ascertained your bartender's name, behaving overly familiar with him will be seen as a pathetic gambit for free drinks or, worse, proof that you have nobody to go to for affection other than a random service-industry professional who does not, in fact, know you and just wants your money.

58. Once you've fallen off a stool, there is little you can say to the bartender that will change his mind about asking you to leave.

59. Don't eat the worm.

60. If you don't smoke and you're in a bar, don't complain about other people who happen to be smoking, because, virtuous friend, you are in a bar.

61. Instead of trying to remember whether it's "beer before liquor" or the other way around, just be an adult and stick to one or the other.

62. Acceptable drinks for men: beer, wine, whiskey, cocktails that are neither sweet nor made with dairy or fruit other than lime or lemon or orange.

63. Acceptable drinks for women: whatever they want, except a certain few.

64. A certain few: the grasshopper, the Long Island iced tea, the pink lady, and any variety of spritzer.

65. Also unacceptable: drinks whose names mimic critical medical conditions or copulative acts and their secretions.

66. And while we're on the subject, drinks that are named after supposedly cute body parts, like navels, which are actually disgusting repositories for sebaceous grime: No.

67. All of that said, never question a woman's drink choice.

68. If you're the first in the group to arrive and you start a tab on your card, you deserve exactly what's coming to you.

69. Campari shaken with ice and strained into a martini glass.

70. Unless you are lounging on the Promenade Deck, do not drink from a fruit.

71. The perfect martini: There is no such thing as the perfect martini. Make it the way it tastes best to you.

72. Provided that you remember that there is no such thing as a chocolate martini.

-- John :p

10/18/2007, 09:52 AM
What about Zinfandel???

10/18/2007, 10:29 AM
And another rule I learned last night in downtown Athens. When a friend holds a bicycle race through 6 miles of downtown at 2:00 in the morning, $5.00 entry fee, winner takes all, you better participate because it is hilarious!:_beer:

10/18/2007, 11:05 AM
HMMMM. Buzz Biking. Sounds like the perfect intro to the next JackA$$ movie.

10/18/2007, 11:42 AM
heh.. buzzed biking.. sounds like hashing...(not what you are thinking... its a running/drinking event)

10/18/2007, 01:44 PM
59. Don't eat the worm.

Or the button! :eek:

10/19/2007, 07:37 AM
Well, I had the riding advantage. Thoughtfully, I had one beer only. However, I wasn't in it to win.

Cost of 11 year old bike when new, plus recent upgrades $1000

Cost of entry fee, $5

Riding in the middle pack with lean, gorgeous, cycling college girls, PRICELESS!

Best $5.00 Ive ever spent ;)

Mark Miller
10/19/2007, 05:58 PM
Riding in the middle pack with lean, gorgeous, cycling college girls, PRICELESS!

Bless their little hearts.

BTW: Have you eaten at the Hibachi Grill in Watkinsville.

10/21/2007, 09:32 AM
59. Don't eat the worm.

Or that big mint in the urinal...;puke:

10/22/2007, 08:02 AM
No, I havent traveled around the area too much. A few times to Helen, GA and mistakenly too close to Atlanta one time :eek:, but thats it. I've only been here for 3 months so far. Although speaking of Japanese food, I have been to the sushi bar downtown cant remember the name but it was good, and Ru Sans. Lol

Which brings me to another addition to the list...

Dont eat Sushi in the dark. Freshness isn't verifiable. :_wtf:

Never let an extremely drunk boat captain try to trailer their own boat. Although it is an expensive lesson for them to learn.

If a pair of ladies picks you up at a Kutztown University, PA Halloween keg party, its wise for the group to not pass out in the back of your handy Trooper in late October, as it gets VERY cold, usually snows, and being naked in the morning next to a downtown sidewalk while all involved parties are asleep in the back gets alot of attention from passers-by. But it is great for bragging rights. :rolleyes:

If you feel dizzy after standing up, its not a good idea to continue drinking. And, you will get bounced out of the club.

Never pass out next to the toilet at a one bathroom party house.you WILL be urinated on- even if by accident.:yes:

Never mention warm water in a cup and placing a passed out persons hand in it while someone is actually passed out ON YOUR OWN COUCH! Someone will have a "light bulb" moment.:snooz:

Never take a picture of someone passed out while their buddy is posing next to them with their third member placed neatly in their mouth. Some things are never pleasant to discover the next day, and usually leads to violence.:argue:

When someone has their wiper spray tank modified to deliver Jack Daniels like a beer tap from the glovebox, they are probably an alcoholic, and it is not a good idea to go four wheeling at 3:00 in the morning.:eek: Also, this is usually the person who posed for said picture.

When this same person yells back at the house, "hey guys watch this". Its best not to look, but to go ahead and call an ambulance. (or not)

That idea while drunk of fooling around on the beach sounds wonderful at first, but will end both parties' fun very abrasively.:(:rolly2:

The guy passed out on the streetcorner in New Orleans during Mardi Gras will probably be locked up for awhile, and you have to take it upon yourself to party while you wait to bail them out.:_beer: Although, there usually isnt any more funds available to bail out said guy :_shrug:

If a bunch of G.I.'s have a keg party, perform daring feats of kegstands, and then someone pulls out a bottle of tequila;puke:, make sure a medic is handy to neatly place all passed out personnel in neat rows in the front yard face-down for identification by their platoon sergeant the next morning- in said platoon sergeant's own yard:laughing:

When the platoon is drunk after a month in the field, and someone decides to display their new "Prince Albert" genital piercing for all to admire and discuss, make sure there is a lookout for the brigade seargeant majors humvee. If there isn't- make sure you are at least quick enough to disappear under an M2 bradley for the 45 minute one-way loud conversation. :yesg:

When this same person says while drunk, "hey- what would happen if I throw this fire extinguisher off our 3rd floor balcony into the asphalt parking lot right in front of the entire battalion's row of company headquarters manned 24 hours a day, try to disappear before they even unhook the extinguisher from the wall.

If your friend "Sarah" wants to drive your Subaru while you surf on the roof while driving on the beach, be prepared to keep your mouth closed while landing in the sand when she insists on turning the wheel hard.

AND, When you both have to show your license to the "officer", and you cant find your wallet, try to follow your butt tracks where she dragged you 300 yards down the beach by your ankle. Obviously, it will be perched on the top of the mound of sand where she stopped dragging you where most people would look.

I have more, but time is limited, Lol